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Caitlin

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[Wednesday
August 15th, 2012 at 8:18pm]
"May we have the power to transcend our demons, our self-doubt, which so often leaves us damaged. May we work at that tiny fire of life within us until it is a roaring flame, until it gives warmth and beauty to all who are near."
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[Monday
July 9th, 2012 at 5:14pm]
I love you more than anything,
but what you want I could never be.
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[Friday
June 8th, 2012 at 8:57pm]
Everything sucks.
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Do you remember these? [Monday
May 9th, 2011 at 9:44pm]
I don't even care. I am so stoked to do this thing.

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes.
What was the last item you bought? A burrito. Currently eating it.
What was the last thing you drank? Pink lemonade
Who was the last person you hugged? Some kind of Quaker
Do you have any piercings? I guess I just have my ears done now
What plans do you have for tomorrow? I work at 4. If I get a check in the mail that I'm hoping to get, I will totally treat myself to the Karuna's vegan lunch buffet. Mmmm. Then, I'll make tacos for Eric and I because it's Taco Tuesday!
What do you hate? Mostly just panic attacks and cilantro.
Where do you want to live when your older? Wherever has a good library and some good cats.
Do you have a best friend that is a girl? Uh huh
How are things between you and your friends? Fucking cool.
What was the last compliment that you received? I don't know!
Do you forgive and forget? In a really passive aggressive way!
Who was the last person to tell you they love you? Perhaps it was Eric.
Do you hate anyone? Nah.
What was the last thing you ate? This burrito.
Who sits behind you in English? Hahahahaha. This is awesome!
What are you listening to? The television
When and why did you last cry? I probably cried a couple minutes ago. I don't even know anymore!
What was the last movie you watched? THOR
Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? No.
What did you do last night? Youtube yoga. I also talked to Robert a lot about myself.
Who is the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with? Eric
Who was the last person you ate with? Eric
What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body? Hahaha. Weird.
What do you like on your pizza? I sort of prefer Follow Your Heart to Daiya because Daiya sticks to my teeth and I've just eaten so much of it. Plus: broccoli and olives.
Do you miss anyone? All the time.
What were you doing at 10 PM on Friday night? I think I was sleeping. I know how to party.
Who was the last person you had in your room? My ma.
Can you speak another language? Not enough of one
If you could visit any country, where would you go? Anywhere.
When was the last time you purchased something over $500? I bought a car :/
Where do you want to go? East :(
What is your current mood? I'm getting full.
Who was the last person to IM you? John?
How many kids do you want to have? Ask me that later.
Who was the last person to call you? Eric!
What are you craving? Thai food. BUT I'M ALREADY EATING RIGHT NOW!
What is the closest red thing to you? A folder.
Do you like anyone? Haha!
Do they know? I think he does.
Ever kissed anyone 20 or older? OH MY GOD I HOPE SO.
Have you kissed anyone in the past week? Yeah!
Do you like what you see in the mirror? I don't even care anymore. Isn't that awesome?
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I don't think so, overall.
Suppose you see your crush kissing another person? I'd be prettttty bummed.
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[Sunday
May 8th, 2011 at 5:52pm]
You know what makes me sad? Almost everything. I am the most sensitive motherfucker that I know.
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[Sunday
January 30th, 2011 at 9:24pm]
Hi, Livejournal!
I know I haven't updated in months, and I don't really have an excuse for it. But rest assured that I read all of your entries!
I graduated from college last month, and last week I applied for a job opening at a different library. It's full time and pays really, really well. I'd be doing a lot of programming, and perhaps story times as well. Basically, I'd do a lot of the things librarians do, but without the salary/title. I'm not really counting on getting it, but it's nice to get my name out there. Hopefully I'll get chosen for an interview. If I don't get it, that will be okay. A full time job would probably stress me out anyway, since I'm starting grad school in June. Either way, it will work out.
I got a job tutoring a boy in 3rd grade. He's a little behind in reading, and my goal is to make him like reading by the time we're done. I really hope I can do it. It's so weird taking a semester off and still only working 20 hours a week. I felt so miserably useless, I started looking for part-time work as soon as I could.
I just cleaned my room and it feels great! Clean sheets too!
On a slightly related note: I'm going to be moving in with Eric when I repay the money I owe my parents, which will probably be in a couple months. I think it should be awesome. He found an adorable guest house at Broadway and Columbus with a separate bedroom and a nice kitchen+washer/dryer. Only $500 including utilities! He's moving in this week, and I'll follow suit when I can. I hope Ella and Krypto (Eric's cat) can get along. I'd be terribly sad to leave Ella here, even though my parents will be bummed without her. That will be a perfect excuse to adopt another kitty/puppy for them, right? When I move, I'll make sure to hang with my friends too. Don't worry.
Overall, I've been really, really happy. I haven't had any terrible emotional crisis in a while and it feels great. I can't wait to start school again, but I'm also looking forward to hopefully earning some extra money in the meantime. I've been reading so much just since the year started. I went through a nice 19th century English fiction phase, and now I'm onto Vonnegut (well, only Timequake right now) with a lot of comic books here and there.
My aunt got me a new laptop too. Hell yeah.
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hell yeah [Tuesday
December 7th, 2010 at 9:45pm]
this is mostly friends only


tell me who you are and i'll add you



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[Wednesday
November 17th, 2010 at 7:34pm]
I don't feel like calling anybody back. I never do.
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[Thursday
May 27th, 2010 at 6:13pm]
I have a new kitten friend!

This is Ella Fitzgerald-Burns.
I adopted her a little over two weeks ago at the Pima Animal Care Center. She sleeps with me every night and she's awesome and sitting on my window sill right now.
Julie and I are going to Phoenix Comic Con tomorrow. Pizza Heaven too!
I think I'll fly out to San Francisco to visit Alisha in August.
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[Sunday
May 9th, 2010 at 11:58pm]
Boring school update: I don't have to take my math final! I currently have a C (well, 69.58... heh, heh...) and the professor's going to round it up! And even if I got 100 on the final, I'd still get a C in the class! Yeah! That means I can focus on my other classes and ensure I get A's in both of them, which will bump my overall GPA up to above a 3.0, which will officially enable me to apply to grad school. RELIEF! Thankfully I already have A's in the other classes, so I just need to do well on the final and write a decent paper and I'm set. College still sucks, though! Bye!
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[Thursday
May 6th, 2010 at 11:06pm]
If I hadn't failed classes and switched my major a couple times, I'd be graduating this month. At least I can do it next year....... Still feels shitty, though. Oh well. At least I know what I'll do afterwards and I'm not wasting too much time. Let's hang out soon! I miss my friends. I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse. The timing's weird since I'll be out of school soon and I'll have a lot more free time. Don't let me get that way. I'm relying on all of you! Let's go somewhere this summer! I've got vacation time!
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RIP 108 [Thursday
March 25th, 2010 at 5:38pm]
"I dream of a world where flags are nothing but cloth and the only thing that matters is love, life, and freedom. Where the bottom line doesn't determine life and we aren't defined by income bracket, a pretty house, faith, a lack thereof, or a fucking degree. Where we think before we act and act before we critique. Where we think about who's next and make it cleaner than how we found it. Where we mean what we say and only say what we mean. Where ideas are meant to better ourselves. Where we aren't afraid to say "I can't." Where sorry is a liberating word and thank you comes from the heart and where we don't just watch but decide to act. Where we refuse to live only 'til it's time to die. Where feelings and desires mean more than quotas, expectations, and disappointed stares. Where we have a right to hurt, scream, cry, live, die, or sit in silence just because we fucking can. I dream of a world where I can love you in spite of what keeps us apart. Where second best is as good as first or a million. Where we don't overanalyze every breath or underappreciate what our words mean to another. Where we find comfort in silence and a place of peace in all of the noise and where everything that's thrown at us makes us better, stronger, and more appreciative. Where we celebrate life, death, and all that comes in between. Where songs sing to us and a loved ones' words make us dance. Where what we see in the mirror is a happy, satisfied and fulfilled individual and where we feel bad about how we look at others, and not just because of how others look at us.
I dream of a world where I can love you, where I can feel you, where I can know you- without having to own you, without having to hate you, without having to fuck you. A world where I can love you, where I can feel you, where I can know you without having to own you, without having to hate you, without having to fuck you. Fuck you in more ways than one. I dream of a world where a smile isn't a rare gift and where sadness isn't a curse and where the two together make life worth living. Where we we aren't forced to validate every feeling we encounter- where such feelings bring a new beat from a dead heart. Where our world's shaped by feelings and not by another's expectations. Where media doesn't define friend or foe. It doesn't tell me how to look, how to feel, how to act, or how to live. Where a flower, a smile, a thought, a touch, a smell, make it all worth it, and the hardest words are nothing but poetry that spills from my mouth."
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[Tuesday
December 8th, 2009 at 9:11pm]
Pima County's honoring my transfer request and I'll go back to Nanini on the 20th! I'm ecstatic. I figure my life is split into four portions: sleeping, working, leisure time, and school. Now I'll really enjoy 3/4 of the things I do instead of half of them! Things seem to be really working out these last couple of months. I'm dating someone who's fucking awesome and I've never been so happy with someone else before. can't wait to see more friends once school's over. I have 9 dollars.
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[Thursday
November 5th, 2009 at 10:15pm]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBERT!
Thanks for being my best friend!
Photobucket
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[Tuesday
October 6th, 2009 at 7:19pm]

Tired.
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[Monday
October 5th, 2009 at 10:33pm]
"In my gender class we just watched this movie about disney and how fucked up it is. I can't let my kids watch disney movies because it gives people competely jaded ideas of the world. So sexist and racist. And yet I still love Disneyland."
"Hahaha. How so? like in what ways? I don't doubt you but I'm curious"
"They only include girls with tiny waists and huge boobs and fluttering eyelashes who always need men to save them because they're helpless. Even in Mulan, after she fought the war she was still expected to be the same role and settle down. Plus people/animals of different races are always depicted as either bad guys or they play roles that aren't taken seriously."
"Yeah but how fucking funny is that little dragon in Mulan?"
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[Sunday
September 20th, 2009 at 11:33pm]
sick and sad again
sometimes i'd like the rain to end.
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[Wednesday
September 9th, 2009 at 1:29am]
Hello Livejournal, I've missed you. I started school last month and it's okay. I like my classes. Robert's in two of them and that is great! Micah's in one of them too! I think this is my favorite semester so far. Today I got tattooed. It involves a Propagandhi lyric. Maybe I'll post it when it's finished. I thought I had more to say, but I don't.
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[Wednesday
August 26th, 2009 at 12:39am]
I have been feeling really good the last month. Some weird things have happened but I've learned from them and I'm not worried about it. I think i'm becoming more confident. I hope I am. I hope this is permanent.
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[Tuesday
July 21st, 2009 at 12:39am]
My trip in a nutshell. Home now, more pictures/stuff later.

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[Thursday
July 16th, 2009 at 4:32am]
Just got into Philly earier tonight. I really love this city. I guess it's my birthday right now. Tomorrow we are going to the Franklin Institute, getting vegan pizza at Gianna's and then dinner at New Harmony and I'm hoping a lot of Philly friends can make it. I am finding it so difficult to get excited for anything these days. I'm on vacation and I'm thinking about it. Will I ever be satisfied with myself? One of my favorite things about life is finding things to look forward to and if I can't pull that off anymore then something needs to change. An old friend from middle school/high school overdosed and died and I found out last night. Chances are I'll think about that a lot more later. Anyway, life is good. I need to remember it more often.
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[Saturday
July 11th, 2009 at 6:31am]
hello livejournal! It never occurred to me that I could update from my phone. we are currently at my uncle's house in schenectady, ny. (pronounced skin-ekt-ity) and tomorrow we'll be on our way to syracuse for a bit to stay with my aunt. I love my family. they are such welcoming and funny people. we'll then go back to rhode island and then philly where ill spend my birthday. yay! I love you and miss you tucson!
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[Sunday
June 28th, 2009 at 11:35pm]
Today Theo got stuck in the pine tree and couldn't get down. He kept crying and crying and then finally he stumbled down like 7 feet. It was scary. He's getting old, what was he thinking?! He'll feel it in the morning I'm sure.
My friend Tyler from YPEC/PA was in Tempe today so I went to visit him. He and his family were staying at some snooty Mariott resort and while drinking a shirley temple overlooking the pool I noticed there was a woman at the table behind me wearing one white glove. Give me a break, America.
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[Monday
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:58pm]
San Diego was fun. I could live there. I am worn out from a lot of things. Two weeks from today I'm flying into Boston. I've been working almost full time and it's been wearing me down (poor me, right?) I know most people work full time but it's making me realize a lot of the downsides of my job- all coming from management, as usual. I just want to go back to the old library but the grass is always greener. I can't sleep enough. My mom sent this to me in an e-mail today:



Published on Saturday, May 16, 2009 by The Progressive
> Changing Obama's Mindset
> by Howard Zinn
> We are citizens, and Obama is a politician. You might not like that word. But the fact is he's a politician. He's other things, too-he's a very sensitive and intelligent and thoughtful and promising person. But he's a politician.

If you're a citizen, you have to know the difference between them and you-the difference between what they have to do and what you have to do. And there are things they don't have to do, if you make it clear to them they don't have to do it.

From the beginning, I liked Obama. But the first time it suddenly struck me that he was a politician was early on, when Joe Lieberman was running for the Democratic nomination for his Senate seat in 2006.

Lieberman-who, as you know, was and is a war lover-was running for the Democratic nomination, and his opponent was a man named Ned Lamont, who was the peace candidate. And Obama went to Connecticut to support Lieberman against Lamont.

It took me aback. I say that to indicate that, yes, Obama was and is a politician. So we must not be swept away into an unthinking and unquestioning acceptance of what Obama does.

Our job is not to give him a blank check or simply be cheerleaders. It was good that we were cheerleaders while he was running for office, but it's not good to be cheerleaders now. Because we want the country to go beyond where it has been in the past. We want to make a clean break from what it has been in the past.

I had a teacher at Columbia University named Richard Hofstadter, who wrote a book called The American Political Tradition, and in it, he examined presidents from the Founding Fathers down through Franklin Roosevelt. There were liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats. And there were differences between them. But he found that the so-called liberals were not as liberal as people thought-and that the difference between the liberals and the conservatives, and between Republicans and Democrats, was not a polar difference. There was a common thread that ran through all American history, and all of the presidents-Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative-followed this thread.

The thread consisted of two elements: one, nationalism; and two, capitalism. And Obama is not yet free of that powerful double heritage.

We can see it in the policies that have been enunciated so far, even though he's been in office only a short time. Some people might say, "Well, what do you expect?" And the answer is that we expect a lot. People say, "What, are you a dreamer?" And the answer is, yes, we're dreamers. We want it all. We want a peaceful world. We want an egalitarian world. We don't want war. We don't want capitalism. We want a decent society.

We better hold on to that dream-because if we don't, we'll sink closer and closer to this reality that we have, and that we don't want.

Be wary when you hear about the glories of the market system. The market system is what we've had. Let the market decide, they say. The government mustn't give people free health care; let the market decide.

Which is what the market has been doing-and that's why we have forty-eight million people without health care. The market has decided that. Leave things to the market, and there are two million people homeless. Leave things to the market, and there are millions and millions of people who can't pay their rent. Leave things to the market, and there are thirty-five million people who go hungry.

You can't leave it to the market. If you're facing an economic crisis like we're facing now, you can't do what was done in the past. You can't pour money into the upper levels of the country-and into the banks and corporations-and hope that it somehow trickles down.

What was one of the first things that happened when the Bush Administration saw that the economy was in trouble? A $700 billion bailout, and who did we give the $700 billion to? To the financial institutions that caused this crisis.

This was when the Presidential campaign was still going on, and it pained me to see Obama standing there, endorsing this huge bailout to the corporations.

What Obama should have been saying was: Hey, wait a while. The banks aren't poverty stricken. The CEOs aren't poverty stricken. But there are people who are out of work. There are people who can't pay their mortgages. Let's take $700 billion and give it directly to the people who need it. Let's take $1 trillion, let's take $2 trillion.

Let's take this money and give it directly to the people who need it. Give it to the people who have to pay their mortgages. Nobody should be evicted. Nobody should be left with their belongings out on the street.

Obama wants to spend perhaps a trillion more on the banks. Like Bush, he's not giving it directly to homeowners. Unlike the Republicans, Obama also wants to spend $800 billion for his economic stimulus plan. Which is good-the idea of a stimulus is good. But if you look closely at the plan, too much of it goes through the market, through corporations.

It gives tax breaks to businesses, hoping that they'll hire people. No-if people need jobs, you don't give money to the corporations, hoping that maybe jobs will be created. You give people work immediately.

A lot of people don't know the history of the New Deal of the 1930s. The New Deal didn't go far enough, but it had some very good ideas. And the reason the New Deal came to these good ideas was because there was huge agitation in this country, and Roosevelt had to react. So what did he do? He took billions of dollars and said the government was going to hire people. You're out of work? The government has a job for you.

As a result of this, lots of very wonderful work was done all over the country. Several million young people were put into the Civilian Conservation Corps. They went around the country, building bridges and roads and playgrounds, and doing remarkable things.

The government created a federal arts program. It wasn't going to wait for the markets to decide that. The government set up a program and hired thousands of unemployed artists: playwrights, actors, musicians, painters, sculptors, writers. What was the result? The result was the production of 200,000 pieces of art. Today, around the country, there are thousands of murals painted by people in the WPA program. Plays were put on all over the country at very cheap prices, so that people who had never seen a play in their lives were able to afford to go.

And that's just a glimmer of what could be done. The government has to represent the people's needs. The government can't give the job of representing the people's needs to corporations and the banks, because they don't care about the people's needs. They only care about profit.

In the course of his campaign, Obama said something that struck me as very wise-and when people say something very wise, you have to remember it, because they may not hold to it. You may have to remind them of that wise thing they said.

Obama was talking about the war in Iraq, and he said, "It's not just that we have to get out of Iraq." He said "get out of Iraq," and we mustn't forget it. We must keep reminding him: Out of Iraq, out of Iraq, out of Iraq-not next year, not two years from now, but out of Iraq now.

But listen to the second part, too. His whole sentence was: "It's not enough to get out of Iraq; we have to get out of the mindset that led us into Iraq." What is the mindset that got us into Iraq?

It's the mindset that says force will do the trick. Violence, war, bombers-that they will bring democracy and liberty to the people.

It's the mindset that says America has some God-given right to invade other countries for their own benefit. We will bring civilization to the Mexicans in 1846. We will bring freedom to the Cubans in 1898. We will bring democracy to the Filipinos in 1900. You know how successful we've been at bringing democracy all over the world.

Obama has not gotten out of this militaristic missionary mindset. He talks about sending tens of thousands of more troops to Afghanistan.

Obama is a very smart guy, and surely he must know some of the history. You don't have to know a lot to know the history of Afghanistan has been decades and decades and decades and decades of Western powers trying to impose their will on Afghanistan by force: the English, the Russians, and now the Americans. What has been the result? The result has been a ruined country.

This is the mindset that sends 21,000 more troops to Afghanistan, and that says, as Obama has, that we've got to have a bigger military. My heart sank when Obama said that. Why do we need a bigger military? We have an enormous military budget. Has Obama talked about cutting the military budget in half or some fraction? No.

We have military bases in more than a hundred countries. We have fourteen military bases on Okinawa alone. Who wants us there? The governments. They get benefits. But the people don't really want us there. There have been huge demonstrations in Italy against the establishment of a U.S. military base. There have been big demonstrations in South Korea and on Okinawa.

One of the first acts of the Obama Administration was to send Predator missiles to bomb Pakistan. People died. The claim is, "Oh, we're very precise with our weapons. We have the latest equipment. We can target anywhere and hit just what we want."

This is the mindset of technological infatuation. Yes, they can actually decide that they're going to bomb this one house. But there's one problem: They don't know who's in the house. They can hit one car with a rocket from a great distance. Do they know who's in the car? No.

And later-after the bodies have been taken out of the car, after the bodies have been taken out of the house-they tell you, "Well, there were three suspected terrorists in that house, and yes, there's seven other people killed, including two children, but we got the suspected terrorists." But notice that the word is "suspected." The truth is they don't know who the terrorists are.

So, yes, we have to get out of the mindset that got us into Iraq, but we've got to identify that mindset. And Obama has to be pulled by the people who elected him, by the people who are enthusiastic about him, to renounce that mindset. We're the ones who have to tell him, "No, you're on the wrong course with this militaristic idea of using force to accomplish things in the world. We won't accomplish anything that way, and we'll remain a hated country in the world."

Obama has talked about a vision for this country. You have to have a vision, and now I want to tell Obama what his vision should be.

The vision should be of a nation that becomes liked all over the world. I won't even say loved-it'll take a while to build up to that. A nation that is not feared, not disliked, not hated, as too often we are, but a nation that is looked upon as peaceful, because we've withdrawn our military bases from all these countries. We don't need to spend the hundreds of billions of dollars on the military budget. Take all the money allocated to military bases and the military budget, and-this is part of the emancipation-you can use that money to give everybody free health care, to guarantee jobs to everybody who doesn't have a job, guaranteed payment of rent to everybody who can't pay their rent, build child care centers.

Let's use the money to help other people around the world, not to send bombers over there. When disasters take place, they need helicopters to transport people out of the floods and out of devastated areas. They need helicopters to save people's lives, and the helicopters are over in the Middle East, bombing and strafing people.

What's required is a total turn around. We want a country that uses its resources, its wealth, and its power to help people, not to hurt them. That's what we need. This is a vision we have to keep alive. We shouldn't be easily satisfied and say, "Oh well, give him a break. Obama deserves respect."

But you don't respect somebody when you give them a blank check. You respect somebody when you treat them as an equal to you, and as somebody you can talk to and somebody who will listen to you.

Not only is Obama a politician. Worse, he's surrounded by politicians. And some of them he picked himself. He picked Hillary Clinton, he picked Lawrence Summers, he picked people who show no sign of breaking from the past.

We are citizens. We must not put ourselves in the position of looking at the world from their eyes and say, "Well, we have to compromise, we have to do this for political reasons." No, we have to speak our minds.

This is the position that the abolitionists were in before the Civil War, and people said, "Well, you have to look at it from Lincoln's point of view." Lincoln didn't believe that his first priority was abolishing slavery. But the anti-slavery movement did, and the abolitionists said, "We're not going to put ourselves in Lincoln's position. We are going to express our own position, and we are going to express it so powerfully that Lincoln will have to listen to us."

And the anti-slavery movement grew large enough and powerful enough that Lincoln had to listen. That's how we got the Emancipation Proclamation and the Thirteenth and Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments.

That's been the story of this country. Where progress has been made, wherever any kind of injustice has been overturned, it's been because people acted as citizens, and not as politicians. They didn't just moan. They worked, they acted, they organized, they rioted if necessary to bring their situation to the attention of people in power. And that's what we have to do today.

Thanks to Alex Read and Matt Korn for transcribing Zinn’s talk on February 2 at the Busboys and Poets restaurant in Washington, D.C.,from which this is adapted.

© 2009 The Progressive
Howard Zinn is the author of “A People’s History of the United States,” “Voices of a People’s History” (with Anthony Arnove), and “A Power Governments Cannot Suppress.”
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[Sunday
June 14th, 2009 at 11:29pm]
If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life, my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights.
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[Tuesday
June 9th, 2009 at 4:33pm]
Real update and not just a vague song lyric: I can't wait for my best friends to be home tomorrow. I've read a lot about various people being in Ecuador and it's so rad a lot of our friends got to visit. My Aunt Barbara is flying in from DC for a couple days Friday. That should be nice. We usually hang out and watch Hugh Grant movies together.
I've been looking at grad schools. Right now I'm thinking about Drexel in Philly, Simmons in Boston (expensive, so probablyyyy not) and some others. A librarian friend suggested looking into Syracuse because it's one of the top schools and maybe they have a lot of grants/scholarships available. But do I really want to live in Syracuse? I'd be super close to my dad's family, so that would be cool. Since I work for the library, I might be able to get a full ride to the U of A through Friends of the Pima County Library but... damn, I kind of hate the U of A. Having to go to grad school there would be such a bummer. But maybe I could get promoted once I'm done with my bachelor's if the hiring freeze ever unfreezes. WHAT DO I DO! I have no idea where I'll end up. Kind of weird/exciting.
Friends, please come to this. I think Vanessa and I will be baking a lot, so even if you don't like hardcore, you can see our smiling faces and buy some baked goods.

Maybe more later. My lunch break is almost over!
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[Tuesday
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:34am]
life is too short to waste it on somebody else.
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[Wednesday
May 6th, 2009 at 11:16pm]
Wherever I go, I'll always miss who's missing. Tired of missing.
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[Sunday
April 26th, 2009 at 9:30pm]
I am going to do my presentation for social inequality about corn. Corn subsidies, corn additives/products, free trade and corn, corn impoverishing Mexican farmers, and how much corn sucks as a commodity (not as a food, I'll admit I really like corn.) School is so close to being done. I'm hoping for a 3.3ish GPA. I dunno.

Summer schedule so far:
May 12th- Lucero in Phoenix
May 23rd- Propagandhi in Tucson
May 24th- Propagandhi in Phoenix
June 9th- Robert and Daniel get back from Ecuador!
June 18th- The Effort, Outrage, Crooked Ways and Reviver @ the Living Room
June 19th- 7 Gen, The Effort and Outrage in San Diego + Dog beach, Nature's Express, favorite people, fun.
June 23rd-July 1st- My friend Tyler from PA/YPEC/Pendle Hill when I was 16 is coming to Flagstaff and Tucson!
July 6th-19th- Road trip with Jordan. Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Upstate NY, Maine, Philly(?), Vermont(?), family! Louisa May Alcott's house! The Office! Trilogies I don't want to watch!
July 16th- 21st birthday. Not in town.
July 20th or 21st- Birthday party?!
After that- summer might suck. Just kidding friends. WATERMELON EEGEE'S!
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[Wednesday
April 8th, 2009 at 10:21pm]
Things I will miss when I leave Tucson:
Eegee's
mountains
sunsets
cactus
the desert
everything

I think i'd like Morrissey if everyone quit trying to push him on me.

I read an article in the NYtimes about the hundreds of thousands of kids being kidnapped in China each year who are then sold to be indentured servants in factories. I feel like shit when I buy new things. Ordinary people do fucked up things when fucked up things become ordinary.
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[Friday
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:03pm]
hey everything, fuck you.
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[Tuesday
March 31st, 2009 at 4:00pm]
i've been having heart palpitations for the last week and a half so i went to the doctor today, got an ekg and my blood drawn. ekg was fine and we're waiting for the blood results now. for some stupid reason i owe $250 to my doctor's office and i am fully insured. "fully" insured. ugh.
i am almost done with my probation at work. one year is so long! my boss says she has every intention of passing me and thinks i'm a great asset. exciting. the other day a girl who always talks about disneyland with me told me she loves me and gave me a hug. it made my day.
jordan flew in for spring break and it was one of the most fun weeks i've ever ever ever had. we went to tombstone and bisbee and left for california the next day. andrew was traveling through and it's rad they both met up out here. we stopped in the sand dunes on the way to san diego and then met up with ryan and deanna (!) at pokez and drove up to anaheim. next day we walked to disneyland and andrew caught a ride with ike, a middle-aged korean business associate who took him up to berkeley and went to the 7gen show with him. disneyland was a blast and we got in for free. i can now get in for free whenever i want thanks to hanah! we also got little prince tattoos. i'll see him again in june and then i'll fly out there in july for a road trip.
robert and daniel are leaving for two months....... i'm so stoked for them but damn i'll have to find some new friends.
i'm tossing around the idea of going to the east coast for the spring 2010 semester. i guess it depends on whether or not i can get an educational leave of absence from work. school is still going pretty well. i really turned around and i wasn't even expecting to.
all i've been listening to: death cab transatlanticism, modern life is war, and rocky votolato.
that's my life in a couple paragraphs, i guess. hiking now.
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[Monday
March 9th, 2009 at 9:40pm]
Bake sale was rad, thanks to all of you who showed up and helped out. I spent Friday night in the Whole Foods parking lot with Gabe and Coral trying to jump my car battery. The tow truck came an hour and a half late and the driver was definitely on meth. At least I don't have to worry about my battery dying anytime soon.
I've been doing really well in school, hopefully I don't jinx it by writing it in livejournal. Got a B on a test i thought I failed.. but now i just want A's because I know I'm capable of them. I'm so glad I changed my major. These budget cuts are terrible though, the whole department is fucked. My favorite grad student teacher was cut and I really wanted to take more of his classes. I'm reading so much Marx in his class. I feel so bad for him and his colleagues who lost their teaching positions too. Not looking forward to registering now that a bunch of awesome classes are going to be gone.
I've eaten too many dumpstered chips today. I'm going to start fasting tomorrow. I hope. I better load up on leftover baked goods before it's too late. Spring break! Six days off from EVERYTHING!! So excited. Robert, get better!
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[Saturday
March 7th, 2009 at 10:43pm]
paranoid.

[Tuesday
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:59pm]
Google search.Collapse )
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[Sunday
February 22nd, 2009 at 11:27pm]
i might be on wheel of fortune.


picture survey thing.Collapse )
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[Wednesday
February 11th, 2009 at 12:46pm]
i think i might die alone. just sayin'.
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[Saturday
February 7th, 2009 at 12:02am]
www.fmylife.com

it won't let me sleep
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[Thursday
February 5th, 2009 at 1:44pm]


i have a new baby cousin!! well, second cousin technically. josh and bonnie had a baby girl last week named gloria ellen. i can't wait to meet her; hopefully i can stop by vermont this summer. i doubt most of you will watch this but my cousin willow always cracks me up.
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[Monday
February 2nd, 2009 at 1:06pm]
i just found out the cardinals were in the superbowl yesterday. i'm slightly disappointed i missed the porn part just to say i saw it, but other than that i don't really care. i haven't been writing anything lately. nothing, nothing, anything. i need to figure shit out, stop having these ups and downs. someday i'll be in love (or maybe someday i won't be, that's always an option) and it won't be forced. but that someday is not today and i am okay with that. for now i am in love with my friends as friends and my cat as my cat. i don't want to be too afraid to do things i've always wanted to do. i hate the thought of leaving my family though. maybe i should stop listening to andrew jackson jihad's depressing songs.

travelocity tells me i can fly to NYC for $114 round trip for valentine's day. what.

mushrooms are so gross and i am stoked for the show tonight.
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[Monday
January 26th, 2009 at 9:51pm]
when i get sad i want to shut people out. thank you for not letting me.
matt came to tucson with his friend frankie. it was fun. we went to tombstone and bisbee.

today was much better than yesterday. i played capitalist-themed monopoly in my social inequality class. we were all given set amounts of money (one person in the group got 250ish, another got 600, another got 1500, another got 2600) and at the end of the game none of us had moved outside of our economic class standing. i really like that class so far. i have to do a presentation on anything that has anything to do with capitalism. so many choices!
i went into work and found a pack of mamba in my box. it's cool that such a small anonymous gesture can make my day. i don't know who knew it was my favorite candy. how sweet.
supernanny is coming to my library tomorrow? hahah weird.
max and sean: i miss you both so much.
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[Tuesday
January 13th, 2009 at 7:44pm]
even though we're already 14ish days past the new year, i haven't updated so here goes. i'm hoping for a fresh start this year. two important people in my life died in 08 and i did horribly in school. the latter is not nearly as bad, but i'd rather not fuck up again at the u of a.
yeppp
i've had (more than) my share of new york city and i never want to live there and i don't think i want to go back more than once a year, tops. the vegan restaurants in brooklyn we tried to go to were all closed even though their answering machines said otherwise. at night we saw an indian vegetarian restaurant and just as we were crossing the street to go, an employee started to close it. i yelled FUUUUUCCCKKKK really loud and i think all of times square heard me. when we got back to philly later that night we started dumpstering for odwalla and there was a flying squirrel sitting on the dumpster. ee! the next day was new year's eve and we ate vegan bbq chicken pizza from gianna's and then saw alan and met up with some of his friends from jersey at new harmony. we spent new year's on top of a roof watching fireworks in south philly. when midnight struck everyone started yelling tucson. nobody really calls me caitlin in philly or jersey, it's just tucson. afterwards we went to jersey and spent three hours making a three minute long horror movie at sarah's house. we got back to matt's at about 7:30 am. it was rad watching the sun rise over philadelphia. we slept, and then got ready for YPEC part 3 in willow grove. we had workshops involving rubiks cube solving, firebreathing, and had a good discussion about youth oppression and empowerment. we even played spin the bottle. my favorite part was going to a protest downtown against what's going on in gaza. there was a bigger one in nyc so this was pretty small but still great. i love the community we create at ypec. i am so lucky to know such wonderful people with great ideas all around the country. colton picked me up on the 4th and we got another pizza from giannas and then watched a lot of it's always sunny in philadelphia (season 3) back at his house in newtown. next day we went to a giant mall in valley forge and i didn't buy anything. i did see a 400 dollar ralph lauren sweater though. we then went to see my great aunt and uncle in levittown. they give me hope that two people can be happy together for the rest of their lives. that night we met alan and sarah at new harmony again, gave cookies to homeless people in the subway station and then went to the art museum. i didn't run up the steps like rocky did, though. the next day i was supposed to leave but the weather was so bad we got to the airport and i found out i would have probably had to spend the night in dallas. so i said fuuuck that! and spent the night at coltons again.
i experienced my first cold winter and it wasn't so bad. wind chill sucks though. i also saw my first frozen lake! and played in the snow and slid on ice. i also learned how to tie a scarf. it's funny how foreign these things are to me. i think winter was the ultimate test, so now that i've done that i can move east when i'm ready. accomplishment!
i hope i'm able to travel over winter break more often. i'll just have to allocate my money in a reponsible manner.
matt's moving to san francisco so he and his friend will be crashing at my house in a couple weeks. it's really cool having other quaker friends my age that i can connect with.
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[Thursday
December 25th, 2008 at 12:57am]
happy 6 year anniversary of friendship robert!
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oh and merry christmas too everybody!%#%^%@#%# bedtime.
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[Thursday
December 18th, 2008 at 11:09pm]
anytime you want to go, i'm ready, ready, ready to go.
nothing shines on feeling old, this isn't right.
all i want is a reason to smile before i'm dead, i'm dead, i live in denial.
there's nothing left inside of me.
you say there's more but
I
DON'T
FUCKING
CARE
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[Wednesday
December 17th, 2008 at 7:35pm]
take your hands away from your face so i can see everything you are and everything you used to be- you used to be, to me. something you don't want to be, i know. you, you're like the sun, and i am earth, together we're one. someday your fire will die and i'll grow cold without sunlight. and i will freeze, darling. i will die, i'll freeze, i'll die for you. things, they always die, just give it time, they always die. but we, someday we'll see our love will shine, our love will shine. your love won't fade darling. lover i cannot do this alone. things like this are better off untold. someday the sun will die and i'll grow cold. i hope someday your love finds its way home.
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[Wednesday
December 17th, 2008 at 12:25am]
i've been in a really good mood lately and there's not really a reason. i'm wondering if it's the new vitamins i've been taking. either way, it feels good and i'm starting to feel like myself again.
i was telling the children's librarian that i'm thinking of becoming a children's librarian and she told me i'd be great at it. i was flattered. i think that's what i want to do specifically. now i get to help out with story times!
one final left. i'm ready to start fresh next semester. i hope i do well. the clerk at my quaker meeting is a sociology grad student and i'm going to take his class next semester! social inequality. the class focuses most on "how capitalism works and its consequences (e.g., globalization, the Iraq War, the current recession, etc)" (from an e-mail he sent me.) this is what i've been looking for all semester in political science but never actually experienced.
my aunt barbara's coming in four days, christmas is in nine, and i go to philly in about two weeks.
my uncle sent me this picture of an ice storm in vermont. looks crazy.
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[Sunday
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:29pm]
the social gap that alcohol/weed/+more create hits me more and more everyday. i can feel friendships dwindling because of it and i hope i'm not necessarily the cause. i'm starting to notice more people avoiding subjects with me and worse, avoiding me in general. maybe they feel ashamed or embarrassed or just plain awkward talking to me about it but i wish they'd realize that i make my own life choices and so do they. not including me into your life because you do things i don't do makes me feel like shit. do you really think i'm that self righteous? sure, of course it's going to bum me out when i find out who does what nowadays and if you're trying to protect me in some way i appreciate it (or something) but the fact that people i love and care about are too weirded out to include me into their new lives kind of pisses me off. this also extends to romantic relationships but i don't care much about those right now. it's so stupid that things like this get in the way.
this leads me to say that i uh, hate college, mostly. i resent hearing about partying constantly and i resent the fact that i haven't made friends and can't bond with anybody about anything. i really always thought i had a pretty wide range of interests but i guess since none of those interests pertain to beer, breast implants, tanning, giving head, studying communications, throwing up, wearing ugg boots or contracting STD's, i'm socially fucked at the university of arizona.
this girl who i sit next to in international relations sometimes talks to me about how she wants to go to med school and is kind of full of herself. she gets straight A's and freaks out about her grades constantly. last week our professor was talking about the european union and the girl turned to me and whispered, "wait, so is scotland a country?" it was obvious that she was under the impression that the european union was just one big nation or something. so i had to explain to her that there are (something like) 27 countries that belong to the european union and although they use the same currency that competes with the dollar (THE EURO, WHICH SHE HAD NEVER HEARD OF), it is not just one big place under one government. at the discussion section on friday she asked me what a thesis statement was. seriously? how do people like that get accepted into higher educational institutions or even aspire to be doctors? harsh, but i don't care right now. i'm bitter. i'm struggling to pull a C and this dumb broad is getting an A.
on a brighter note: i switched my major from poli sci to sociology on friday. sociology classes sound really rad. fingers crossed, i'll find my niche and this semester will not repeat itself. done talking about college now.
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[Monday
November 17th, 2008 at 9:31pm]
good trip. i'm so happy i got to go back. i saw a ton of family i only see every couple of years, if that. it never feels like we spend much time apart though. my grandma's funeral didn't really feel like a funeral even though i cried a lot. i laughed a ton too. she was so funny.
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[Thursday
November 13th, 2008 at 1:14am]
tonight was so rad. i haven't had that much fun at a hardcore show in a long time. i didn't feel any of that weird sexist bullshit at all that i usually feel. so many good friends were there, the bands were super nice and friendly and i'm just in such a good mood regardless of what a shitty week i've had. taco shop afterwards was fun too bye.
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[Tuesday
November 11th, 2008 at 11:38am]
i guess i'm flying to ny friday. crazy.
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